


In The Early Hour

by livtontea



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff, Gen, IKEA, No Incest, Self-Indulgent, Sibling Bonding, You could say, no beta we die like ben, probably factually incorrect but i dont care, references to russian folklore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 11:28:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19463050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livtontea/pseuds/livtontea
Summary: "Diego," hisses Five. "Stop fucking trying to stab me.""What the fuck?" Diego mumbles in his sleep ridden daze. "Five?"





	In The Early Hour

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by my first ever trip to IKEA.

Diego is shaken awake by a pair of small hands. He doesn't register what's happening at first, already reaching for one of his knives when something slaps his arm.

"Diego," hisses Five. "Stop fucking trying to stab me."

"What the fuck?" Diego mumbles in his sleep ridden daze. "Five?"

He can't quite see his brother's face in the dark, but somehow he knows that he's rolling his eyes. "No, dipshit, it's Father Frost here to take your soul."

"The hell?" whispers Diego to himself. "What the fuck is a Father Frost?"

Five slaps his arm again, harder this time. "Not the point. I need you to drive me somewhere."

Diego throws a glance at the alarm clock near his bed, and then shuts his eyes, praying for death. "Five, it's four in the morning."

"So?"

"I'm not driving you anywhere, dude. Go to sleep."

Five shakes him again. "If you don't drive me, I'll just try to jump there myself, and then you'll have to drive around the city looking for me when I inevitably pass out."

Diego groans. He's right, of course. Asshole. "I fucking hate you."

He can practically hear Five's smirk. "Be ready in ten minutes. I'm waiting in the car."

Diego groans again at the bright flash of Five's power. It goes through his eyelids, momentarily painting his vision orange. "Little shit."

It only takes Diego six minutes to get dressed and grab his keys, the other four being used for dragging himself out of bed and pulling himself into a semi-conscious state.

True to his word, Five is waiting in the passenger seat of Diego's car, seatbelt pulled across his chest.

"Finally. What took you so long?"

"You said ten minutes, I took ten minutes," Diego grouches, rubbing at his eyes blearily. "This better be worth it, or I'm stabbing you."

"Shut up, you big baby. Get in the car."

Diego pulls open the door, which feels heavier than usual to his not yet fully working muscles. He slides into the driver's seat and starts the car. "Where to?"

Five rattles off an address and Diego rolls out onto the street.

"Why couldn't you just drive yourself, anyway?"

Five looks at him like he just said the Earth was flat and held up by two giant elephants. "Because I don't have a license, and look _thirteen_. That's illegal."

"You were an assassin. And you've stolen multiple cars. Since when do you care about whether something is legal or not?"

Five shrugs. "Dunno. Besides, I need to buy something, and I don't have any cash."

Diego nearly drives into a streetlight.

"You're such a goddamn asshole, you know that?"

Five grins at Diego, fully aware he knows that it's too late to turn back. "So I've heard."

"I hate you."

"Likewise."

They spend the next fifteen minutes or so driving in silence, Five watching the blurring lights outside the window in disinterest. His head is propped against the glass, a small portion of it fogging up because of his open-mouthed breathing.

"What are you making me buy, anyway?" Diego asks at a stoplight.

Five just shrugs and says cryptically, "You'll see."

"You owe me," tells him Diego.

"Sure."

It takes another six minutes for Diego to pull up to the address Five gave him.

"Is this fucking IKEA?" he squints at the blue and yellow building in disbelief. "What the _fuck_ do you need from _IKEA_?"

"Shut up and park the car," Five snaps. "We don't have all day."

"I mean, given that you woke me up at _four in the morning_ ," says Diego as he pulls into a parking space. "We kind of do. Are they even open this early?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

Diego reluctantly follows Five to the store entrance. As soon as they step inside, it's like Diego's ventured into a deep dark cave, only to be swallowed whole by the monster inhabiting it. A monster filled with furniture, lighting fixtures, and kitchenware.

"Fucking hell," he mutters. Five _definitely_ owes him for this, big time.

Diego pinches the bridge of his nose between two fingers. He's too tired for this shit. "Lead the way. If it's over twenty bucks, I'm not buying it for you."

Five slaps his arm. Again. "Fuck you. It doesn't cost that much."

Diego sighs. "Sure Five, whatever you say."

Five rolls his eyes and starts walking. He leads Diego through aisles of boxed furniture and shitty plastic chairs that feel overpriced. Diego can't help but wonder who would even buy these incredibly flimsy bookshelves for two hundred dollars. Or at all. Just get some quality furniture, for fuck's sake.

They walk through rows of dish towels and kitchen sinks. At one point Five stops to look at a ceiling fan that has blades shaped like palm tree leaves, but they quickly leave it behind.

Five is a man on a mission, and there's nothing anybody can do to stop him.

Finally, they reach the pots and pans.

"Is this it? You need a pan? Or a," Diego lifts a four-leaf clover shaped piece of silicone. "Whatever the hell this is? A trivet?" he reads from the label.

"No, don't be stupid. Screw off and let me look."

Diego puts the _trivet_ back onto the shelf, rolling his eyes. "Lord, you test me," he mutters in annoyance.

Five keeps walking back and forth between shelves stacked with… whatever. Diego stops paying attention, letting his eyes wander the different colored bowls.

"Found it!" suddenly exclaims Five.

"Oh, really? After all this time, you've done it?"

"Take that sarcasm and shove it up your ass, Diego." Five is holding something, but because he's standing behind a table with shit piled onto it Diego can't see what.

"What is it, anyway? What'd you drag me out here at four in the morning for, huh, Fieval?"

"That's not my name," Five grumbles, annoyed. "Look."

Diego walks around the table to Five, and has to take a step back when a can is shoved into his face.

Upon closer inspection, it's not just a can, he finds. It's a plastic container filled with--

"What the hell is _rostad lök_?"

Five meaningfully shakes the container. "Fried onion bits," he says, like it should be obvious.

"What."

"They're onions," says Five slowly, like he's explaining something to a toddler. "That are fried. And then the fried onions," another shake of the container. "Are cut up. Into bits."

Diego pushes the plastic jar away from his face. "So you're saying," he begins, voice dripping with disbelief. "You woke me up at four in the morning and made me drive you to IKEA." A deep inhale. "To buy you _fried onion bits_."

Five nods. "Yeah, pretty much."

Diego screams through his teeth. Quietly. Oh god, he wants to strangle somebody. Preferably a certain fifty-eight-thirteen-year-old in schoolboy shorts.

And then suddenly he decides that he's too tired for that. Or any of this, really. He lets out a weary sigh.

"Come on, let's go pay." Diego starts walking to where he thinks the checkout area is. "Why do they even have fried onions in IKEA?"

"No clue. But these little fuckers," Five emphasizes by shaking the jar yet again. "Are the most delicious things I've ever tasted. It's worth it."

"You better at least let me try some when you eat them," warns Diego. Five seems to think it over, before nodding his head, if not in agreement then at least in acceptance. "Deal." He sticks out his unoccupied hand for Diego to shake.

 _"Why are you so fucking formal,"_ thinks Diego as he sighs and shakes Five's hand.

They arrive at the checkouts. Diego grabs a bar of milk chocolate with hazelnut when he sees a stack of them right in front of the register, thinking that Vanya and Klaus could share it.

Five notices, and huffs. Diego pointedly ignores his hushed mumble of "Softie."

"You know," says Diego once they've paid and are getting back into the car. "We could've just gone to Walmart or something. They sell onion bits there too, I think, and it's only like, four minutes away from home."

"What."

Diego snorts. "You didn't know, did you. How could you know IKEA sells this, but not _Walmart_?"

Five sinks down into his seat, averting his gaze.

Diego fondly rolls his eyes. The genius of the family, and still an idiot. "Here. Let me have some of those."

Five pulls off the lid, still pouting, and holds some bits out to Diego. Diego unceremoniously plucks them out of Five's hand and pops them in his mouth.

"Wow," he says as he pulls out of the parking lot, chewing. "These are really good."

Five gasps, his embarrassment from moments before gone. "Good? They're not just _good_ , Diego, they're practically a gift from God! Don't disrespect the onion bits."

Diego laughs at Five's passion concerning the bits. "So they're even better than fluffernutter sandwiches?"

Five opens his mouth, then hesitates. "No…" he says. "I don't know, maybe?"

"Maybe?" teases Diego. "Only maybe?"

"Oh, fuck off," Five huffs, realizing Diego's fucking with him. Even though he sounds annoyed, Diego knows better.

"Aw, is that affection I hear? Does wittle Fivey-wivey have _feelings_?"

Five slaps his arm with all of his thirteen-year-old might.

"Ouch," Diego deadpans. "You killed me."

"Good," declares Five. "That was my intention."

"Dick."

"Asshole."

"Dingus."

"What? That's not even an insult."

"Well according to Klaus, it is." Diego sticks his tongue out at his older-younger brother. "So there."

"Klaus says 'heck' unironically. He's not reliable insult material."

"Did you even hear what just came out of your mouth?" raises an eyebrow Diego.

"Oh, go choke."

"Not when I'm so close to home, I won't. I can already feel my most amazing bed."

Five wrinkles his nose. "That sounds gross." Diego reaches over and lightly smacks Five on the back of his head. "Hey. If I can't diss the onion bits, you can't diss my bed. Which _you_ pulled me out of, might I add."

"Fine, fine."

They descend into a comfortable silence. Five is looking out the window similar to how he did on the way to IKEA, a faint smile on his lips. Diego's smiling too, enjoying the company of his brother.

He reaches out and switches on the radio. Five perks up as the familiar beat starts playing from the car's stereo.

Diego looks at Five without turning his head, meeting his eyes. Five snorts.

Tiffany starts to sing.

"You dweeb," says Five. Diego gasps in mock offense. "Like I did that on purpose! It's the radio, Five. You know how radios work?"

"I like to think so, yes. Doesn't mean I won't blame you."

"Well that's just unfair," points out Diego.

Five shrugs. "So is life."

"Hmph."

Diego starts nodding his head to the rhythm. Five stares at him, eyebrows raised, like he's surprised Diego's doing anything at all.

Five doesn't move, but Diego can see his lips moving as he mumbles the lyrics along with the radio.

When the pull up to the Academy, it's six. Diego can see the light in the kitchen, Mom already making breakfast. Vanya and Luther are probably already awake, Klaus and Allison soon to follow.

All of them will be out of bed before seven. Diego switches off the radio.

"Well? Was our morning outing satisfactory?"

Five nods. "Sure. I got what I wanted."

"Great. Next time you want onion bits, please don't wake me up at four in the morning."

Five smirks. "No promises."

Diego sighs. That's probably the best he's going to get out of Five.

"Fair enough. But we're not spending twenty minutes driving to IKEA."

"Fair enough." Five repeats.

"Great. Now let's get going, maybe I can still sleep for fifteen minutes before breakfast."

Five gets out of the car, Diego following suit after switching off the motor.

They walk into the house together, fried onions bits and all. Diego puts the chocolate bar into the fridge, to give to his siblings later.

**Author's Note:**

> For those who don't know who Father Frost is: Basically Russian Santa Klaus. Santa Klaus, But Better. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ded_Moroz> Here's a Wikipedia article to help you out.
> 
> But yeah fried onion bits are delicious and I love them, so naturally, Five does too.
> 
> I'm on tumglr at [seven-misfits](https://seven-misfits.tumblr.com/). Please help fuel my creativity fire and leave a comment! Love y'all <3


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